The Meaning

For three years, I drew what inspired me—things I imagined, pieces of the world I loved, and portraits for others. But this year, for my birthday, I decided it was time to create something for myself.

I started these drawings around January and ended up finishing them faster than I expected.

At first, I only drew the polished version of Amaleiiii—the well-put-together side of me that most people are used to. But when I looked at it, something felt off. It didn’t really feel like me.

So I ended up creating another version. One that felt more honest. More raw. The side of me that’s messy, gritty, and always present—even when she’s hidden.

Together, they show both sides of who I am.

The proper version of me is what most people get—nice, composed, quiet, always in control.

But the gritty version? That’s who I really am. Inside and out. Someone who feels buried under her flaws, obsessed with fixing herself, yet never quite feeling “enough.” It’s like sweeping in a sandstorm—no matter how much I clean, the dust just keeps coming back.

Both versions have their strengths and weaknesses.

The “proper” me can feel too… clean. Like she’s defined only by being polite and looking good, without much else underneath.

When I show my full self, I’m more relaxed—I joke, laugh, dance—but I also make more mistakes. Growing up in a household where mistakes were punished harshly made me want to hide that side.

But now, I’m slowly allowing myself to just be human again.

That’s why I chose to draw both versions.

Being put together has its place in society, but the gritty side—the side I usually keep hidden—is the real me.

I’m learning to be that more often, to let it show. Which is why I dedicated an entire painting to her.

This is just the beginning of my journey to discover myself—and to let others in on a little bit of that.