You ever have this feeling that you’re destined for more?

I have this feeling every day. A feeling that I’m meant to mean something to people.

Like I brought meaning to their lives in some way or created something that sticks to their minds instead of all the daily things we read and promptly forget.

To get to that stage, I’m thinking I might need to end my isolation era and go outside, observe and interact with people.

Best Friends

Ever since I was little, I’ve always been fascinated by the idea of a best friend.

To me a best friend was: Someone who loved you as you are, saw your flaws and called you out on your bullshit and still wanted to stay. Someone who you could love with all your heart and they’d love you in return.

It’s still fascinating to me. The same way people raised in healthy family dynamics fascinate me.

So mesmerized was I by the notion of such a friend, that I chased it…in all the wrong places. From random apps like kik (shudders) to foreign language exchange websites to games and more. I always searched and never found it.

I made friends, don’t get me wrong. But it always felt one sided.

Here’s how things would usually go:

I meet someone – In our excitement at clicking well together we become friends – trauma dump – talk everyday -no boundaries – no energy – they leave when I want to continue the friendship.

Basically, I don’t quite know what the proper way to make friends is and most importantly, I dont know jack shit about how to keep them.

And this extends to romantic partners.

It wasn’t until my last relationship that I realized how much of a burden one can be when they expect a partner to be everything to them. I was that person and I have since learned.

To not put the blame on others solely. The friends who did want me around, I pulled away from, which is perplexing. ( I’ll have to discuss that habit with a therapist)

I’m picky, I suppose.

And so at the ripe age of 25, I do not have a best friend still. I yearn for one quietly and internally but I’ve learned to be so content with myself that I’m only ever fully me with myself.

But that’s exactly what’s holding me back in life! Cause that don’t sound healthy to me. I love people! (even as an introverted hermit.)

Maybe my art career would’ve gone further by now if I went out and interacted with the local population? Maybe I’d find a new lover, a new friend or a new job?

I ponder and plan to go out. To just actually exist next to other people. But I never end up doing it unless things align perfectly.

But, things are hardly ever perfect are they?

Sigh, I feel like I’m expecting an extrovert to burst into my house and sweep me away into their arms in a glorious passionate friendship. But it’s just my delusions acting up again.

There’s something being physically present does for me that nothing online and no book could ever replicate. So, I need to go outside and start touching grass more consistently.

I shall post about my adventures after I have them.

Look forward to it (but not too much… I might forget)

– amaleiiii